So as promised, I’ve selected the 20 best “games” out of my childhood stash. These were created by me– the dates of creation are all in ‘88 and ‘89, which means I was 7 or 8 years old. I didn’t know how to program at the time (I picked up Pascal a few years later) so to make a “game” I’d draw a picture of it in a program called Modern Artist, which was basically a 256-color MacPaint. Some of them are just too funny to not share, so here we go, just five out of my selected 20:

Blood Stream 2
North American Release Date: July 21, 1989

Wow, whatever happened in my childhood to make me so fuckin’ sick and twisted, happened before July 21, 1989. And also before I began properly using capital letters. This is the type of thing I could very well be explaining to a psychologist at some point down the road.

I’d tell my poor psychologist that the game stars you as a badly drawn bright yellow dude that wields a gun with a 1-inch barrel and 2-foot stock/magazine and who can shoot grenades out of his ass. The object, apparently, is to ride and jump on grassy islands floating in a river of bubbling blood while shooting dudes in the head (how is the dude in the back getting shot, anyway?) and collecting all the sweet sweet monies they drop.

And check out those bitchin’ particle effects on homie in the back. And by “particle” I mean “wow, the default MacPaint brush shape makes freakin’ sweet midair blood droplets”. Also of note is that Blood Stream 2 featured a password system. START OR CODE: THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

How could you possibly resist this action-packed, blood drenched, grenade-shitting shoot-fest? I don’t think you can.

Gladiator
North American Release Date: October 17, 1989

Most people don’t realize that Ridley Scott’s epic blockbuster Gladiator is actually a video game adaptation. And you’re looking at the title screen.

While the limitations of technology at the time prevented computers like the Mac IIx, even with the displays cranked up to a full 256 colors, from accurately capturing the look and feel of ancient Rome, it was enough to provide a solid foundation for the movie over a decade later. And notice that even at the time, the display was sophisticated enough to differentiate between knives and swords. (Notice how the point is off to the side? That’s a knife. On swords, the point is centered.)

Another thing most people don’t realize is that Ridley Scott left out important details about the background of the character Maximus, which are obvious here from the glaring rainbow color scheme, that Maximus was actually a raging homosexual. That’s right. It’s all in the title screen. Not only from the colors, but from the option for 2 players. The second player gladiator was actually supposed to be Maximus’ butt buddy in the movie, but his entire character didn’t make the final cut. He would have been played by Gilbert Gottfried.

Ridley Scott… I’m still waiting for my royalty check.

Justin 3
North American Release Date: July 23, 1989

Turns out that even at 8 and a half years old, I was one seriously narcissistic guy. Justin 3 is the third game in the “Adventure of Justin” series, starring, of course, me. Naturally, this was one of my most popular series of games.

The title screen always featured me in really bitchin’ fighting poses, and generally looking cool. Here I am on a high rise girder in full snowman figure glory (that’s 6 ellipses baby!) swinging some SAVAGE NUNCHUKS. I mean look at it. They’re in full extended bust-your-ass position. And there just happens to be LIT FUCKING DYNAMITE right under me. Why else would I be practicing my SWEET FUCKING NUNCHUKS a few feet away from LIT FUCKING DYNAMITE, other than the fact that I am BAD ASS?

CHUCKS FOR LIFE.

KILLERWATT
North American Release Date: October 17, 1989

Ok, let me get this out of the way. I still think this one’s pretty cool. Seeing this again totally rang a bell for me: Killerwatt was this giant electrified octopus type monster. You can totally tell by the many eyes, two mouths shooting lasers and the eight legs. Kind of like an electric Cthulhu.

Also notice the “Super Seal” towards the bottom left. Nintendo had their own official Seal of Quality, so I, naturally, had to have mine. You’ll see this on a lot of my games, but not all (I don’t think there’s any reason for that, I probably just forgot to put it on. Seal of Quality indeed.)

Anyway, I have no idea what the dude in the corner is supposed to be doing. He’s probably shitting his pants at the mere sight of KILLERWATT and is in the process of accepting his fate and making peace with the world before he gets FUCKING SLAUGHTERED. Also notice that I’ve ditched the six-ellipsis method of character modeling, and have moved on to using the line tool for arms and legs. This method both keeps the polygon count low, and allows for better articulation of joints. When I found this file, it was kept aside in a folder called “POPULAR GAMES” and I can see why. The graphics are mind blowing. LOOK AT THE FUCKING LIGHTNING. That’s got next-gen written all over it.

With that said, it’s cheesy enough to make me want to make something like Killerwatt. Total B-movie monster mash kind of stuff. I say even keep the corny name. Just watch. You heard it here first!

Slime Worm’s Revenge 2
North American Release Date: July 6, 1989

Even as a kid, I recognized that Nintendo was successful because they had a really popular character. Mario was in everything. So I needed some mascot characters.

The one I chose was “Slimey” which was based off of a stuffed snake I had as a kid. This thing was huge. Like boa constrictor huge. A kid could disappear in it. But we couldn’t leave it as just a snake, oh no, we had to up the stakes. So, he became a Slime Worm. IT FUCKING SLIMES YOU TOO.

Slime Worm’s Revenge, if I recall, got all the way up to 7 sequels. We’re talking major franchise. And that’s not including spin-off games: Slime Worms had a game show, comedy show, casino game, and Olympic Games, to name a few.

You can tell just how big a smash franchise the Slime Worms were going to be just from the graphics. There’s a lot of debate among nerds on the Internet, but most agree that #2 was the height of the series, where it really hit its stride. The Slime Worms are rendered on screen with real-time smiley face stamp brush technology, unheard of at the time. It was a big deal. And the way the “2″ is rendered with every single font style known to man (that’s bold, italic, underline, outline, AND shadow. That’s a lot of shaders) emphasizes just how anticipated the sequel really was.

Stay tuned for the next five, where I rape the laws of physics, make the worst bike game ever, and make some really fucking sweet torches. Don’t change that dial.

This entry was posted on Sunday, April 27th, 2008 at 4:22 am and is filed under Games, Old Ass Games, Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.