At long last, the conclusion to my epic 4 piece blast-to-the-past featuring games I created when I was between 7 and 8 years old. It’s fitting that I stumbled on all of these, right before starting work as a designer/programmer for Freeverse. Deciding between staying as a pure indie developer and taking a full time gig was a very difficult decision for me, and seeing these really reminded me of why I do what I do. I sincerely believe this is my artistic purpose… I’ve written and designed games on whatever medium I had available to me, whether that be in C++ code, pencil drawings, action figures, for as long as I can remember. There’s no way I could do anything else.

Anyway, enough ego stroking. On to the games.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Ghost Town II
North American Release Date: October 10, 1989

Ghost Town II, which is predates the entire Survival Horror genre by at least 10 years, introduces the player to the concepts of terror and fright by way of fountains and some red dude humping a building. It also introduced the concept of “Big Ass Portal In The Sky Spewing Darkness and Shit” which would later on be used in games such as The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. No, really. Under “password” that’s clearly a big ass portal, and it’s totally spewing little orange bits of darkness and shit.

It’s also worth noting that my crystal balls at age 8, compared to how I draw them now at 27, is exactly the same.

Parade of Death
North American Release Date: October 10, 1989

What’s the last thing you think would scare the shit out of you? Everyone expects demons. Or ghosts. Dragons, lions, tigers, big ass portals spewing darkness and shit. But not parades. Parades are happy times full of music and celebration and pride regarding any one of a number of assorted alternative lifestyles. But not the PARADE OF DEATH.

Yes! A parade of pure, unadulterated death weaving its way down your street RIGHT. INTO. YOUR. FACE. See the horror of the parade in the corner there? The single file line of tombstones is enough to instill fear in the manliest of men.

Also, notice how that in addition to simply “start” and “continue” you can also choose to save or enter a password. Why anyone would want to input a password when a continue option is so visible and tempting is beyond me. But what I do know is the value of being able to save anywhere, and that includes at the title screen. It’s all about options. Because having options is the only way to survive when the Parade of Death marches forth! With Death!

Planet X
North American Release Date: November 8, 1989

Another cool sci-fi game of mine. Planet X is all about the dangers of an unexplored planet, but instead of providing quarter for a hostile alien species, the planet just GROWS A HUGE PISSED OFF FACE AND SHOOTS EXPLODING LASER BEAMS AT PEOPLE. I mean, look at him. He’s fuckin’ PISSED. And think about this: what would you do if the sun/moon just decided to spit laser beams on you while you were walking to work? That’s right: NOTHING. You’d stand there and get fuckin’ annihilated. See that explosion down there that looks like Pizza The Hutt? That’s you. Another victim of the Green, Pissed Off Hostile Planet Face.

Switchblade
North American Release Date: August 25, 1989

When I was a kid, I was fascinated with a little switchblade I had. Obviously, not real, as anyone that knows me personally knows that any attempt to actually use a switchblade would result in said switchblade somehow ending up in my eye. No sir, this was not a switchBLADE but a switchCOMB. The problem with that, is that combs are fucking lame. Pshaw! I ripped that shit out, left the little metal part that flipped out, and the blade was replaced with my sick twisted imagination. (Looking back, I’m grateful I never ended up in a mental institution for this shit.)

Anyway, Switchblade II is the sequel to the ever popular Switchblade. In the sequel, the Switchblade grows so absurdly huge that the player can now climb it instead of stab people, and he must scale it all the way up to the floating Burger King crown in the clouds.

The final game is a good one to close out the series, because it really speaks for itself:

Typical Mission II
North American Release Date: November 12, 1989

Yo! So here’s the third set of games from my library of old-ass games I made as a kid. It’s been awhile in posting- I’ve been busy beginning work at Freeverse and finding an apartment in NYC. That’s a whole different rant, but the end result is I found a sweet place in the Upper East Side and I move in June 1. Woot! Anyway, on to the games.

By the way, You can find the first set here.
And here’s the second.

2.96
North American Release Date: August 21, 1989

2.96 was my “sci-fi” game. I remember the exact reason too- for an 8 year old, decimal points were pretty fuckin’ sci-fi. So that was my esoteric title, with an esoteric title screen to match. Look at that hot splitscreen action. Predating modern co-op by at least 15 years? I THINK I WAS.

Anyway, those globular looking things that you’re undoubtedly gawking at are the result of my discovering the “3d” tools in modern artist. One of them is a 3d box, which basically draws the edges of a cube, and this one is the sphere. They make awesome planets, if you couldn’t tell. The game also featured intense space battles, as you can see by the badly drawn Tie Fighter and spray paint explosions in the bottom left panel.

George Lucas would be proud.

Captian Fungus
North American Release Date: November 17, 1989

Captian Fungus [sic] was another attempt of mine to create another distinctive mascot type character. Mission accomplished, as you can see. That would be fungus growing on the title, and the “captian” himself is also shooting fungus. In the form of the word fungus. In case it still wasn’t obvious enough.

And if you still have reservations about playing, I turn your attention to the TWENTY ONE exclamation marks after “Push Start.” And if even that fails, SUPER SEAL, MOTHER FUCKER.

The Black Ninja
North American Release Date: January 1, 1990

While we’re on the topic of new characters, one I was really excited about at the time was The Black Ninja. I had a whole backstory lined up that I told as a horror story to people on Halloween 1989, set to Tubular Bells. I don’t remember a damn bit of it now, of course. It probably involved the Black Ninja being all dark and mysterious and chopping dudes with his ninja sword. I don’t remember anyone being scared or otherwise impressed in any way.

Thiefs From Space
North American Release Date: August 13, 1989

Another selection from Rolling Stone Magazine’s “Top 10 Videogame Titles Of All Time” compilation* is my critically acclaimed “Thiefs From Space.” It’s spelled “Thiefs” instead of “Thieves” because that’s how they spell it IN SPACE. Someday you’ll see.

* By “compilation” I really mean nothing.

Zelda 4
North American Release Date: July 11, 1989

Yeah. So bask in that one for a few moments before you read on. I’ll wait.

Ok. Ready? So one of my “business” strategies as a tyke was to make sequels of games that I really liked. I made this a few months after the American release of Zelda II. I really wanted to make a Zelda game, but I figured since Nintendo must have been already at work making a Zelda 3, I might as well go straight for Zelda 4. The result is the monstrosity before you.

Let’s extrapolate forward a bit and assume that Zelda 3 would be Link To The Past, making Zelda 4 Ocarina of Time. Compare and contrast:

with:

Aren’t you sorry Nintendo decided to continue on with their prized franchise instead of passing the reins to Justin Fic? Think of what you could have missed.

Some time ago, while preparing to move to NYC I dug through a pile of old Mac floppy disks and found a bunch of old “games” I made as a kid (7-8 years old, almost twenty years ago) by drawing their title screens in a paint program called Modern Artist. This is the second of four five-game-set where I share the best with all of you. You can find the first set here.

It’s worth noting that while these were pretty much just badly drawn images of a title screen, you actually COULD play these. I’d be there manning the mouse, and when you wanted to play, I’d erase the title screen (double click eraser, baby!) and draw the first level for you. I’d sort of act as a dungeon master, and would draw the results of stuff depending on what you wanted your character to do. At 7, game engines were largely left up to the imagination. Anyway, here’s the next five:

Caverns of Calio
North American Release Date: September 25, 1989

For a game supposedly about caverns, I really don’t know why there aren’t any in the title screen. Looks like a bright, sunshiney, cavernless day out in the fields of Calio. As you can see, I was being original with the sword-in-the-stone motif by having it SIDEWAYS. Always pushing the envelope. Also, note the Super Seal denoting extreme quality and fun. You can also see my technique of killing badguys in my games by noting the orange remains: spraypaint tool. This is quite obviously the height of adventure gaming of the late 80’s!

I chose this one mostly because of the effort that went into it at the time. Can’t you tell? Actually, this was one of my more ambitious games as a kid. This is probably the first game where I had enemies, weapons, and items all drawn on construction paper. And there were a LOT OF THEM. I want to say at least 10-12 sheets of paper, each with about 20-30 drawings on it. I’d love to see if any of these still exist.

I remember a few things though: weapons started off with your basic wooden sword. You had swords, guns, bows, and I want to say things like grenades and bombs too. The most powerful weapons though were the “ciphers”. Pretty much ripped off from Strider. The weapons each had different classes, too: So after your plain sword, you had the super sword, then the hyper sword, then the force sword. So the most powerful weapon in the game was the “Force Cipher” which swung in a split second, and the sweep it makes stays for a second and does damage to anything touching it. Not bad for an 8 year old, huh?

There were also tons of enemies, too. The basic enemy was a sort of octoroc, although I can’t remember now what it was called, and the only reason I remembered it at all was from the mostly dissolved enemy on the right. (It’s the orange stuff.) You had three big bosses though, which were Mother Brain, Dragonlord, (both ripped off from their respective games) and the final was a massive giant with a giant force cipher. Forget what his name was.

Hyperbike
North American Release Date: November 17, 1989

If you remember the way the weapons worked from Caverns of Calio, you’ll know that HYPERBIKE is a really, really awesome bike. Fuck Superbike, Hyperbike is where it’s at. But where’s the Hyperbike at? Not in this picture. It’s off in Bikeland. And apparently you start off as some poor schmuck who has to walk his happy ass all the way to Bikeland to get the Hyperbike.

And you gotta think what kind of fucked-up place Bikeland must be. It’s a magical land where everyone has their own bike. Maybe there’s gang wars between different brand of bikes, and there are traveling merchants dotting all the roads that sell you water bottles and those stupid pointy helmets. Who knows.

I’m not even sure if the Hyperbike is supposed to be a bicycle or a motorcycle. It’s shrouded in mystery. What I do know though is that Hyperbike is in no way connected to me learning how to ride a bike as a kid. Because I never did. I sucked so much ass at any sort of vehicle that it was embarrassing. Bikes, skateboards, roller skates, forget about it. I hoofed that shit. I never knew how to ride until the eighth fucking grade, where I basically rode around the house, crashing over and over again until I got it so I could go all the way around without crashing into a ditch. Fuckin’ bike.

Also, look at this picture, then look back at Caverns of Calio. Is there a reason that whenever I draw nice, grassy terrain, there’s always exactly three rocks? Something to ask that inevitable psychologist, I guess.

Onward to BIKELAND!

The Galactic Hover Board
North American Release Date: October 19, 1989

In space, no one can hear you SHRED ON YOUR HOVERBOARD.

No doubt inspired by Back to the Future Part II, The Galactic Hover Board takes the concept one step further: into SPACE. As you can see, I’m taking the laws of physics and semantics for a bit of a spin. Apparently, since there’s no gravity in space it causes your legs to grow really fuckin’ big. And never mind the fact that getting into space isn’t hovering at all, it’s flying. (And while you’re out in space, you’re really doing neither.)

Luckily, there’s just enough gravity to stay standing on your board out in the ether, and space has enough mass to actually propel yourself forward through it with your foot. Marty McFly never had it so good. Maybe because he had one of those lame 2015 hoverboards, and not this totally sweet hoverboard built with brown-rectangle technology.

Sure, you laugh now, but when that red sun there goes supernova, you’ll all be crispy fuckers peacing out of life on Earth while this guy here is surfing the shockwave.

Dragon Land
North American Release Date: October 1, 1989

Dragon Land, which geographically, is located not too far away from Bikeland, is a special place where retarded kings put regular swinging doors in the sides of their castles, and spray paint “PUSH START” around them. And if there was any sort of ground here I’d count to see if there were three rocks, but alas. Fifty-foot long battlements are also common.

Your main weapon in Dragon Land is, apparently, some sort of fucked-up saw. Remember part one, where I made the distinction between swords and knives? Swords are pointed in the center, and knifes have the point to one side. This one is neither. But such an abomination of blacksmithing is surely necessary for killing all the dragons in Dragon Land.

The trees, however, are state of the art. Using an early version of the greenery engine that would later go on to power the scenery in Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, these trees sport both foliage and multiple branches. There’s even one half obscured by the castle, proving I have sweet depth sorting skills.. And if the orange-on-blue scheme hasn’t burned your eyeballs out yet, check out the Super Seal. This game was segregated out into the “POPULAR GAMES” folder, along with its sequel. I was clearly on to something too, as the “Dragon Warrior” franchise that I so blatantly ripped off is now up to its eighth installment, with nine on the way!

Death Quest: The Conan Age
North American Release Date: October 10, 1989

I leave you with the best title I’ve ever seen for a videogame. DEATH QUEST. How fucking awesome is that? Also of note is the subtitle. CONAN AGE. Is it possible I preempted yet another blockbuster IP? I THINK IT IS.

Anyway, I don’t remember much about how this game was supposed to work, but just from the title I can tell you it’s totally manly. Too manly for art, apparently. If I were to take a guess, the game stars you as Conan or some equally muscley barbarian, and you chop a bunch of dudes with your axe, and then you wash up by banging hot amazons. (At 7, I don’t even know if I knew what banging was yet. I’m still not sure I do.)

And look at that torch! Holy shit! Obviously the torch engine licensed for DEATH QUEST cost way more than the crossed-swords engine. The swords are shit, but that TORCH. OH MAN. It’s the perfect kind of torch to help light the dark times of THE CONAN AGE.

Anyway, that’s all for now. Part three coming soon! Watch in horror and amazement as I dig into my sci-fi repertoire, create all-new characters, and when that fails, just blatantly rip off characters from existing games!

So as promised, I’ve selected the 20 best “games” out of my childhood stash. These were created by me– the dates of creation are all in ‘88 and ‘89, which means I was 7 or 8 years old. I didn’t know how to program at the time (I picked up Pascal a few years later) so to make a “game” I’d draw a picture of it in a program called Modern Artist, which was basically a 256-color MacPaint. Some of them are just too funny to not share, so here we go, just five out of my selected 20:

Blood Stream 2
North American Release Date: July 21, 1989

Wow, whatever happened in my childhood to make me so fuckin’ sick and twisted, happened before July 21, 1989. And also before I began properly using capital letters. This is the type of thing I could very well be explaining to a psychologist at some point down the road.

I’d tell my poor psychologist that the game stars you as a badly drawn bright yellow dude that wields a gun with a 1-inch barrel and 2-foot stock/magazine and who can shoot grenades out of his ass. The object, apparently, is to ride and jump on grassy islands floating in a river of bubbling blood while shooting dudes in the head (how is the dude in the back getting shot, anyway?) and collecting all the sweet sweet monies they drop.

And check out those bitchin’ particle effects on homie in the back. And by “particle” I mean “wow, the default MacPaint brush shape makes freakin’ sweet midair blood droplets”. Also of note is that Blood Stream 2 featured a password system. START OR CODE: THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

How could you possibly resist this action-packed, blood drenched, grenade-shitting shoot-fest? I don’t think you can.

Gladiator
North American Release Date: October 17, 1989

Most people don’t realize that Ridley Scott’s epic blockbuster Gladiator is actually a video game adaptation. And you’re looking at the title screen.

While the limitations of technology at the time prevented computers like the Mac IIx, even with the displays cranked up to a full 256 colors, from accurately capturing the look and feel of ancient Rome, it was enough to provide a solid foundation for the movie over a decade later. And notice that even at the time, the display was sophisticated enough to differentiate between knives and swords. (Notice how the point is off to the side? That’s a knife. On swords, the point is centered.)

Another thing most people don’t realize is that Ridley Scott left out important details about the background of the character Maximus, which are obvious here from the glaring rainbow color scheme, that Maximus was actually a raging homosexual. That’s right. It’s all in the title screen. Not only from the colors, but from the option for 2 players. The second player gladiator was actually supposed to be Maximus’ butt buddy in the movie, but his entire character didn’t make the final cut. He would have been played by Gilbert Gottfried.

Ridley Scott… I’m still waiting for my royalty check.

Justin 3
North American Release Date: July 23, 1989

Turns out that even at 8 and a half years old, I was one seriously narcissistic guy. Justin 3 is the third game in the “Adventure of Justin” series, starring, of course, me. Naturally, this was one of my most popular series of games.

The title screen always featured me in really bitchin’ fighting poses, and generally looking cool. Here I am on a high rise girder in full snowman figure glory (that’s 6 ellipses baby!) swinging some SAVAGE NUNCHUKS. I mean look at it. They’re in full extended bust-your-ass position. And there just happens to be LIT FUCKING DYNAMITE right under me. Why else would I be practicing my SWEET FUCKING NUNCHUKS a few feet away from LIT FUCKING DYNAMITE, other than the fact that I am BAD ASS?

CHUCKS FOR LIFE.

KILLERWATT
North American Release Date: October 17, 1989

Ok, let me get this out of the way. I still think this one’s pretty cool. Seeing this again totally rang a bell for me: Killerwatt was this giant electrified octopus type monster. You can totally tell by the many eyes, two mouths shooting lasers and the eight legs. Kind of like an electric Cthulhu.

Also notice the “Super Seal” towards the bottom left. Nintendo had their own official Seal of Quality, so I, naturally, had to have mine. You’ll see this on a lot of my games, but not all (I don’t think there’s any reason for that, I probably just forgot to put it on. Seal of Quality indeed.)

Anyway, I have no idea what the dude in the corner is supposed to be doing. He’s probably shitting his pants at the mere sight of KILLERWATT and is in the process of accepting his fate and making peace with the world before he gets FUCKING SLAUGHTERED. Also notice that I’ve ditched the six-ellipsis method of character modeling, and have moved on to using the line tool for arms and legs. This method both keeps the polygon count low, and allows for better articulation of joints. When I found this file, it was kept aside in a folder called “POPULAR GAMES” and I can see why. The graphics are mind blowing. LOOK AT THE FUCKING LIGHTNING. That’s got next-gen written all over it.

With that said, it’s cheesy enough to make me want to make something like Killerwatt. Total B-movie monster mash kind of stuff. I say even keep the corny name. Just watch. You heard it here first!

Slime Worm’s Revenge 2
North American Release Date: July 6, 1989

Even as a kid, I recognized that Nintendo was successful because they had a really popular character. Mario was in everything. So I needed some mascot characters.

The one I chose was “Slimey” which was based off of a stuffed snake I had as a kid. This thing was huge. Like boa constrictor huge. A kid could disappear in it. But we couldn’t leave it as just a snake, oh no, we had to up the stakes. So, he became a Slime Worm. IT FUCKING SLIMES YOU TOO.

Slime Worm’s Revenge, if I recall, got all the way up to 7 sequels. We’re talking major franchise. And that’s not including spin-off games: Slime Worms had a game show, comedy show, casino game, and Olympic Games, to name a few.

You can tell just how big a smash franchise the Slime Worms were going to be just from the graphics. There’s a lot of debate among nerds on the Internet, but most agree that #2 was the height of the series, where it really hit its stride. The Slime Worms are rendered on screen with real-time smiley face stamp brush technology, unheard of at the time. It was a big deal. And the way the “2″ is rendered with every single font style known to man (that’s bold, italic, underline, outline, AND shadow. That’s a lot of shaders) emphasizes just how anticipated the sequel really was.

Stay tuned for the next five, where I rape the laws of physics, make the worst bike game ever, and make some really fucking sweet torches. Don’t change that dial.